Photo by Adrien Broom

Photo by Adrien Broom


Dear Kasia,

I know you teach women to be dominant and powerful. But I'm already in charge of so much in my life, I just want to be taken care of.

What if I actually don't need to develop my dominant side?

Can you help me learn to surrender and let other people take care of me and meet my needs?


Tired of Taking Charge


Dear Tired of Taking Charge,

This is such a great question, and it comes up all the time when I'm speaking to new students. In this video, I explain how fully embodying your dominant state of attention can help you to more fully embody your submissive state. Once you're able to surrender into a submissive state, other people will be inspired to step up and meet your needs. It's almost like magic.

I hope this helps.





First of all, you can't really surrender without knowing how to dominate. They go together. They go together because if you put yourself in situations where you surrender further than you're capable of getting yourself out of, that's self destructive. That's just handing your will over to somebody else.

But if you can play so well, if you can play so powerfully, that you know how to switch dynamics, you can switch them in both directions. If you know how to switch dynamics and initiate change, then you can be confident that if you can play dominant to this degree, that you can also surrender to this degree, and go pretty deep without getting yourself into trouble, or knowing that you're somehow betraying yourself.

The other thing is, with this whole conversation about the smoosh and bossy, and needy being crammed together, being held in this really fixed space is that actually any extension in one direction strengthens an extension in the other direction.

There's just more space created, so that you can really feel free if your desire is to surrender and to be submissive, you can really feel free to expand fully in that without doubt, without guilt, without shame. From that kind of surrendered magnetism, you can really inspire others to want to top you.

The other thing is that being submissive and attracting dominance is an art. It's the same power dynamics art that we're talking about. The job of a surrendered submissive is to put the attention on yourself and feel what you want so completely, so totally, that every cell in your being is saturated with it.

Then to others, you become legible like braile. So others can read you. They can feel the way that you would want to be touched or commanded.

The way that you'd want to be handled. You become so easy to read.

The moment that a woman who says she wants surrendered starts to put here attention out and become dominant, her energy extending out interferes with other people's ability to read here, and so the art of being surrendered, the art of being submissive is exactly part of the same game.

It's part of this expansion out of this really constricted territory between too much, too little, slut, prude, dom, sub.

We want to be able to inhabit this space of total surrender and submission and feeling ourselves so completely that the entire universe can read the way that we want to be done, the way that we want to be had, the way that we want to be stroked, handled, the way that we want to be treated, chaperoned, fed, bathed, all of it.

The other side of that is then we look around in the world and shit needs to get done, things need to move, things need to happen, and that's where the dominant use of attention becomes so valuable and important.

You put your attention so completely out that whatever you do, whatever you command, whatever you instruct in inspired by that. And that is a very powerful way to command.

If I am speaking to somebody but I'm not reading their body, I'm not looking at their face, I'm not seeing if they're hearing and understanding me, I will be a really poor communicator.

That's what so many people do. They try to affect change in others but they stay in a somewhat submissive role. Their attention is on how they're speaking, their attention is on the thoughts in their head, and they miss whether what they're delivering is actually landing and creating the desired affect. That is a really poor dom.

The world is filled with poor male doms.

They are taught that they're supposed to achieve, they have no... They have so little opportunity to actually surrender and have their attention on themselves in this surrounded way.

They have to constantly put their attention out to produce and they get tired of doing so. They do things, but they do not read the affect well. Because if they did, the whole world would look differently.

If everybody who was in a position of authority and dominance actually looked at the effect of their actions and let their attention land so fully on the thing they're doing, or the person that they're interacting with, then the information from where their attention is would be so powerful and pure that they would have an incredibly affective way of knowing what it is they're doing.

The practice of keeping these dynamics, practicing them cleanly, is so powerful and profound that from just these two states you can start building incredible things, incredible relationships, incredible businesses, incredible ways of being in the world.

So for the women who just want a really powerful dominant who can read them and do them right, it doesn't make sense to skip any steps. Because the experience of not only being able to have that once by accident because you meet somebody who matches you, but to be able to switch enough so that you can keep them updated as you change, is also the beginning of relationships that can last a really long time and can really deepen and grow.

There's a much smaller chance that people grow apart if they can keep informing each other about how they've been changing, and influence and teach each other new ways of play.